(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.