Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Monica just destroyed the internet
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH