Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.