Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.