I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Noah was an idiot.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
ugh not again
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?