I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
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OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.