Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured