Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Storm Tropical Storm
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Cha-ching is my safe word
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf