When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.