me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS