called in thicc to work this morning
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ