[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Print is alive and well!!!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling