My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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But that’s none of my business
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.