I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Muppet Screams
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
What’s so funny?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try