BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.