All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Confused owl: What?!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.