Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.