Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Always the camel, never the toe.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day