I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*