Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex