Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Passwords are more important than ever.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“The Perfect Relationship”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.