I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR