My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??