If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
first you must answer his riddles
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
this independent good boy don’t need no human
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.