No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?