I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”