My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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How it started How it’s going
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Oops I deleted….
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35