Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
More like Kate Missington.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
That de-escalated quickly
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m aging like a fine banana
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.