Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
You Might Also Like
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.