INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
You Might Also Like
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.