My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest