If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*