Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”