If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
You Might Also Like
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My plans: 2020:
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being