Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
pictures of spider-man
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
wtf is an acronym
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.