The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
my mom making me talk to relatives
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven