Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.