Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Covid like
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.