I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it鈥檚 a mirror.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren鈥檛 we
king kong: oh you鈥檙e one to talk
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I鈥檒l be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I鈥檓 not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I鈥檇 say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we鈥檙e not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 馃檨
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I鈥檒l tell him I鈥檓 starting menopause.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I鈥檓 starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut