Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Holy moly
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.