Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”