I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.