I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
You Might Also Like
i actually laughed 😩
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Breaking news:
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”