Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Britain be like
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”