On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
what does he know…
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*