The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
when nothing goes right… go left
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Meeeee too!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.