🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
mariah carrie
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.