If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You Might Also Like
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho