Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.