I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us